Traffic lights and unicorns

Once upon a time some people started to make a fuss about traffic lights. Plenty of people thought traffic lights were ok and actually helped people to get around smoothly and safely. But there were some who said “We never voted for traffic lights. Plus, when they first came in, it was just red, amber, green; now we have green right filters, green left filters, pedestrian crossings, timers, buttons for pedestrians to push - it’s never-ending. We even hear that there’s going to be a traffic-light army”.

"We don't want to controlled by unelected red lights"

Those who wanted to Remain with traffic lights felt that they could make gradual improvements to traffic light systems where necessary, but that there was no need to scrap them all. But their opponents told people that the traffic had flowed much better before there had been so many traffic lights. They also said we could save a lot of money if we didn’t need the electricity for the lights, and lies about how much electricity would be saved. “Take Back Control” they urged, and many people agreed that traffic was a problem and it would be better if something was done.

So a vote was held. The government promised that if the people wanted something else instead of traffic lights then that would be done.

The vote was 34% for traffic lights, 37% for no traffic lights, 29% didn’t care. So the government said it would implement “No traffic lights”. That’s when the problems arose, because there was no agreement as to what would be provided instead. Some people thought roundabouts or  mini-roundabouts could be used instead because this was a proven system, but some in the government thought we should do nothing at the junctions and just see what happened. They had plenty of funding from car crash repair firms, and their motivation was questioned by some.

The government said they would provide plenty of unicorns so that people could fly over the junctions, riding their unicorns. They could provide these as easily as popping a ready-meal into a microwave.

But there was considerable doubt as to whether the unicorns could be provided in time, or at all. The Government said there could be no going back to traffic lights, and all the traffic lights would be taken out of service simultaneously on 31st December 2020.

The unicorns that were initially supplied were somewhat disappointing.

We realised that you can vote for unicorns, flyovers, constant full-moons, sunny skies for all Test matches, or whatever you like, and possibly win the vote if what you are offering is popular. You can rejoice over winning the vote and invite all those who voted against to join you. But it doesn’t make a flying flamingo’s difference if you are lying about how difficult your scheme will be, if you have no implementation plan, and no assessment of the impact.

We asked what we could do if we encountered a gridlocked junction in 2021. They replied helpfully “You lost. Get over it”.